Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
