I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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