That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
