The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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