I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize