I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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