Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
