Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
