the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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