i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
