I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
