Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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