T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
