i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
