omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
