Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
