If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
