I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
