I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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