If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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