I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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