I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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