So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
