Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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