So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
