The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
