My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
