Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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