I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
