I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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