I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
