2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
