Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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