I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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