Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
