i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
