Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
