So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
