Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm having to shit out rocks
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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