You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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