I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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