A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
