I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
In America we eat man semen.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
