if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You dont lie about slip and slides
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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