I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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