All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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