I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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