when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
