my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
