Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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