She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
