I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
