I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
