My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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