I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
