Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
tell me about the eggs
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
