my phone needs a breathalizer
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
