my phone needs a breathalizer
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
