ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Who died my cat blue again?
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