i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
