How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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