they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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